The Cinema Snob - Season 11 (2017)

The Cinema Snob is very ashamed to have to discuss today's movie, due to its very controversial nature. Pure Flix made a biopic on Columbine victim Rachel Joy Scott. What makes this film so unbearable for the Snob is that not only is it about somebody who was murdered in such a horrific tragedy, but that it suggests the killings had religious undertones.

If it's an '80s exploitation film with boxing and/or karate and sex, the Cinema Snob is on the job. This little kick to the groin comes to us from our friends in Germany, with subtitles included, so the Snob will have to sit on his fake subtitles gag. Mindless action, heedless romance and bland characters make this a must for that German boxing-sploitation fan in the family.

It's a gender bender of a movie for the Snob today, coming straight from brilliant landmark filmmaker Ed Wood. Glen or Glenda is the somewhat biographical story of a woman trapped in a man's body having to live in a world of small-minded conservative people with prejudices against those who dare to be different. A tale as old as time.

The Snob kicks off February with Fulciary, a month dedicated to reviewing the films of famed Italian horror director Lucio Fulci. He's got a nasty one for today: a dark, disturbing gore-fest about an old hotel that is said to be built on one of the 7 gateways to Hell. The new owners of this damned establishment must endure the evil within while battling zombies and possessions, while keeping an eye out for anything really strange.

Fulciary continues with another Fulci classic simply known as Manhattan Baby. If you ever wanted to see an Italian rip-off of The Exorcist, this one would certainly fit the bill. An evil eye medallion causes a little girl's soul to be possessed by a sinister entity. Just your basic ancient Egyptian curse. To add insult to injury, the Cinema Snob's favorite character from House by the Cemetery makes a comeback.

The Cinema Snob reviews the first entry of Fulci's unofficial Gates of Hell trilogy for today's entry into Fulciary, which for those of you not keeping up, is a month dedicated to reviewing Lucio Fulci's library of bizarre, grotesque, cheesy, eye-popping horror films. And City of the Living Dead is an outstanding film in its own right. It's bizarre, grotesque, cheesy, and eye-popping horror. With zombies.

As February draws to a close, so does Fulciary. But not before the Snob looks at one more masterpiece from the master himself. It's Conquest, where Fulci takes a break from violent, bloody horror to give us violent, bloody fantasy adventure epic. Voted for by the Snob's Patreon sponsors, he sees how the Italian auteur known for obligatory eye-gouges fares in a different genre.

To celebrate the latest King Kong movie hitting the big screen, the Cinema Snob looks at a Kong porno spoof on the small screen. A horny couple is shipwrecked on an island inhabited by dinosaurs, apes and tribal savages. Undoubtedly the kinkiest porn the Snob has ever seen...this week.

What happens when Count Dracula meets King Kong? Probably something better than what this movie has to offer. The Cinema Snob peels back the layers of this rancid, rotting banana, starring a poor-man's version of Martin and Lewis, along with poor Mr. Lugosi, in a topsy-turvy movie about two entertainers lost on an island with tribal women and a diabolical doctor who experiments on apes.

While the child in all of us is excited for the new Power Rangers, there are others whose inner child is a major pervert, which is why the Power Rangers needed to have a porno spoof. The Cinema Snob morphs into...himself, and reviews it for those who want to see how the people who messed up porn parodies of Pokemon and Ninja Turtles did the same thing to 5 popular rainbow-colored, technological kung-fu artists.

Cookie-cutter religious films end up on the Snob's list once again, as he takes a look at a Stephen Baldwin (post Bio-Dome) vehicle in which a widowed high school teacher sets up an after school Bible club, to help get the kids back on the right path. And because this is a whitebred Christian film, it's set in a world run by atheists who set out to thwart the intentions of this innocent club.

If ever there was a literal interpretation of cinematic blue-balls,this is it. Since the Smurfs are making their return to the big screen, and since he has a porno spoof for every day of the week, the Cinema Snob reviews one that is Smurf-related. If you ever wanted to see the Smurfs get their Smurf on, then you're one Smurfed up Smurf.

It's B-movie time again. That's B for Bela Lugosi. The poor Dracula star is made to appear in another cheesy horror movie with another cheesy comedy duo knock-off. This time it's Brown and Carney (Alan, not Art) trying to find a real zombie for their nightclub act, as their actor wearing zombieface was not credible, like the rest of the movie. Also, Doug Walker is in it...somehow. The filmmakers must have looked into the future and became Nostalgia Critic fans.

The Cinema Snob reviews the highly anticipated, highly demanded follow-up to God's Not Dead. Old friends and new friends join forces, because this time they have to bring their case of God's existence all the way to the Supreme Court. Is it the accusation contrived? Is the court case totally removed from reality? Does the Cinema Snob wear glasses?

Apparently Sam had another son, who he rarely talked about, and by another son, we mean an in-name-only, unrelated sequel that was titled purely to capitalize on a real-life tragedy. That and some really bad editing makes this movie prime Cinema Snob territory.

Recovering from a nasty cold, the Cinema Snob decides laughter is the best medicine, but unfortunately, there's very little to laugh at in today's porno spoof. Whenever there's a blockbuster movie on the big screens, a lackluster porno spoof on the small screen is never far away. This one of Guardians of the Galaxy and is so cheesy, you'll shut it off faster than you can say "I am groot." So this is a job for Snoblord.

It's Medieval Madness as the Cinema Snob reviews a very oddball movie that Disney has hopefully buried deep in the back of their vault. It's about a man who builds robots for NASA accidentally getting shot into space and somehow winding up back in time in King Arthur's court. Fear not, Sir Snobsalot will slay this shit-spewing dragon.

To tie-in with Alien: Covenant hitting theaters this week, the Snob asked his Patreon sponsors to vote on an alien-themed rip-off movie to review this week. The choice was obvious: Windy City. Much like Independence Day and the 1983 in-name-only drab-ass rom-com chosen last year, the Cinema Snob must grin and bare what his semi-loyal sponsors have chosen for him. He finds that Windy City really blows, and is so very, very boring.

There's a new Pirates of the Caribbean movie on the horizon and you know what that means right? It means that the Snob has to review a Pirates-themed porno spoof. And sure enough, there's the epic porno film called simply Pirates.

To celebrate the Cinema's Snob ten years on the job and his 400th episode, he decides to do a ten-episode marathon, featuring ten reviews of ten movies he's covered over the past ten years. First up on the chopping block, a sequel to Porno Holocaust. There's sex, gore and bad acting galore.

The Snob reviews a long-requested zombie horror film that follows Horror of the Zombies, which he reviewed way back in Season 2 in his dark basement. It's your typical, run-of-the-mill living dead movie about a doctor and his wife relocating to a secluded village that has a few sinister secrets up its sleeves, including human sacrifice and ghoulish wacky characters to boot.

In 1974, Deep Throat got a sequel. Then, in 1987, it got another sequel, except this was also a Part II. Why isn't it called Deep Throat III or Deep Throat II: Part 2? A chronologically confused Cinema Snob watches this unnecessary direct-to-video "sequel" to determine why it's considered number 2, aside from just being crap.

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The Cinema Snob watches the sequel to Cannibal Holocaust, because y'know, the first one was so much fun, we needed to see more gore and animal cruelty, right? Fortunately, this one isn't a direct sequel to the legendary 1980 found-footage pioneer. This one follows 4 film students to the Amazon in search of a missing professor. Same premise, but toned down dramatically and with swapped character roles. The Snob probably wishes he could swap roles with someone not watching this movie.

The Cinema Snob's tenth anniversary spectacular wouldn't be complete without a little Nazi-sploitation. Remember when he reviewed The Devil with Hitler? Yeah, neither does he, but he did. And wouldn't you know, that movie had a sequel. Because why not? So join the Snob as he looks back to see what those wacky Nazis are up to this time.

Ready for more Jack? After forgetting to follow up on the follow-up to Crackerjack, the Cinema Snob decides to rectify this oversight and review the sequel, which was his reason for wanting to review the original in the first place. That may sound confusing, but then so does replacing Thomas Ian Griffith with Judge Reinhold.

The Snob returns to Boggy Creek, and discovers that much has changed. This time, instead of a faux docu-drama on a bigfoot-like creature lurking in the woods, it's a movie set in a cliched backwoods village with a bigfoot-like creature lurking in the woods.

Because the gripping, edge-of-your-seat thrill ride that was Who Reamed Rosie Rabbit just demanded a sequel, it got one. In true porno spoof tradition, it has nothing to do with the film it's supposed to be spoofing, so there is no animated patty-cake. The Cinema Snob prepares to be bored to tears yet again as he's lowered into this steaming kettle of dip.

The first film was a straight-up slasher movie, the second was more of a psychological thriller, so what will the third installment of the Slumber Party Massacre series have in store for our hard-working Cinema Snob, who just survived 10 horrible sequels to 10 horrible films he's reviewed over the past 10 years? One thing's for sure, Slumber Party Massacre III wouldn't be 10 even if Bo Derek showed up.

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With Cars 3 burning rubber at the box office, the Cinema Snob burns brain cells with its Brazilian knock-off. As with everything else made with good quality, it has a poorly made counterpart. Picture Cars if it were poorly made, had no effort and a non-discernible and uninteresting story-line. Like Cars 2.

The Cinema Snob looks to see what else Video Brinquedo has to offer. After their pitiful Cars knockoff last week, he finds one of Transformers, because they made another one of those movies too. But to VB's credit, they managed to make a fight between two giant gladiator robots boring as hell.

The Snob's porno sense is tingling...in more ways than one. With Spider-Man: Homecoming web-slinging its way to theaters, the Cinema Snob reviews a porno spoof that gives a whole new meaning to "home coming." Like all the other XXX parodies, it was too lazy to create a decent title (and plot, and acting, and movie, etc.), so like with the Smuffs, this Spidey porno is getting a Snobbier title.

War for the Planet of the Apes is swinging to theaters this week, while the Cinema Snob fights the war for the planet of the porno spoofs. A couple of lesbian astronauts crash-land on a planet inhabited by people in shoddy ape costumes, as well as any other costume they could get their hands on.

At the behest of the Snob's new roommate, Jay Sherman, he reluctantly agrees to review the 2008 Sex and the City movie, based on the cable series of the same name. As expected, every place the series shined, the movie failed miserably.

The Cinema Snob gets back on the Christian movie bandwagon with another bland film about bland people doing bland things. This one is based on a Christian dating web site. What could possibly go wrong? Well, it's no Social Network, but it's better than The Internship. However, the Snob would rather wait around for a movie about Porn Hub.

Because the first film was so much fun, the Cinema Snob decided to come back for seconds. It's A Very City Sequel as the script and characters get even dumber than before, with lots of cliches, one-liners, failed gags, unmemorable characters, and female traits clearly written by a man, it's all you could expect from a Sex and the City movie sequel.

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The Snob uses his voice to talk his extreme displeasure with Voiceless: a religious, anti-abortion movie made by true experts of the subject: men.

Remember the time Schwarzenegger got the better of Stallone? Arnie tricked Sly into being in this shoddy, action/comedy about an undercover cop and his overbearing mother. The Cinema Snob learns fact is stranger than fiction as he reviews this infamous pile. And we thought Rocky V was the low point of Sly's career.

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Snob-a-dee-doo-dah, Snob-a-dee-ay, what's old Brad gonna review today? Snob-a-dee-doo-dah, Snob-a-dee-ay, Musical March in September is well underway. Today he's reviewing Song of the South. Is it racist? Outdated? Or art that should be celebrated? Snob-a-dee-doo-dah, Snob-a-dee-ay, a jolly good time may be coming his way.

The snob reviews a bad religious stage play that went straight to video, and makes viewers feel like they've been sent straight to hell.

Musical March (in September) takes its last dance of 2017, and you wouldn't believe what the Cinema Snob has saved for the occasion. Based on a popular toy franchise in the early '80s and followed by a popular cartoon, as well as a notorious reboot in 2010, it's My Little Pony: The Movie.

What better way to celebrate Halloween than Halloween, and so the Cinema Snob returns to Haddon - er, California for the 1998 reboot of the Halloween series. We rejoin Laurie Strode who is once again stalked by Michael Myers after he'd mysteriously disappeared 20 years earlier. This one ignores Parts 4-6, so no Thorn Cult crap, but what this one does have is jump scares up the ass, Scream-style cliches and characters you can barely remember, but it has a good climax, which they ruin horribly in the follow-up...as is tradition.

The Snob reviews the very last Friday the 13th movie ever (at least for 8 years). This is the one that reveals Jason to be a supernatural being that can switch to different bodies at a whim. Add some surprisingly likable characters and cool gore effects into the mix and you have a satisfying conclusion (again, for 8 years) to a significant slasher series. This Friday the 13th may have been lucky, but they may not be so lucky next time.

As if Halloween didn't already have enough things to terrify us, they just had to make a Madea movie about it. After spending the first half of the month watching both Jason AND Michael Myers go to Hell, the Cinema Snob decides to suffer his own torment of the damned by watching Tyler Perry's latest bowel movement. And it has much to do with Halloween as A Madea Christmas did with Christmas.

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The Snob reviews the worst Halloween film since the previous entry. Since high box office returns resurrected Michael Myers, they had to throw something shoddy together, as well as something hip for all the kids, so it's a reality show set in the Myers' house, 'cause kids be liking da reality shows. Let's see Mikey kill some idiot teens and go toe-to-toe with Busta Rhymes. Kids dig that, right? The Snob pines for the producers' alternative: an original idea, but God forbid one of those ever gets greenlit. He longs for the days of Silver Shamrock, and when his BFF Ben ...

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If you didn't get your fix of last year's "our holiday or the highway" gung-ho yuletide spirit with Last Ounce of Courage, the Cinema Snob has just the ticket. Another jaded leader of another small town is determined to keep the "Christmas" in Christmas and encourage everybody to celebrate it, whether they like it or not.

The next film on the Snob's yuletide agenda will have you frozen with disbelief. Even if you watch one frame of this movie, you STILL won't believe it. In other words, it's a saccharine kiddie movie told entirely in still frames.

The Nostalgia Critic isn't the only one who can review commercials. The Cinema Snob takes a look at one of those times where the commercial breaks were more entertaining than the show they were sponsoring: the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Pucker up, because the Cinema Snob is going to give to us a Christmas Kiss. Relax, it's not THAT kind of kiss. He doesn't go that way - much. No, he's going to review a bland, cookie-cutter Hallmark-movie-type of cheap, saccharine Christmas flick about looking for love in all the wrong places. Is there ever a RIGHT place with these movies?