The Cinema Snob - Season 9 (2015)

The Snob reviews the critically acclaimed Italian horror movie Suspiria, by Dario Argenta. This captivating parade of creepy imagery features a young girl being terrorized at a private school that delves into witchcraft.

The Snob is dismayed to hear his idols Siskel and Ebert trash Friday the 13th: (Not) The Final Chapter, saying it's nothing but stabbing and sets a bad influence toward teenagers. So he decides to review the movie himself and discovers there's much more to it.

What's this? The Cinema Snob found a porno parody of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Will we get to see toons and humans going at it, giving a whole new definition to "pattycake"? There's as much chance of that as the Snob finding a decent E.T. spoof.

Beyond the Darkness is not your garden variety love story. Join the Cinema Snob as he discovers this creepy Italian horror movie is really about a crazed taxidermist who stuffs his wife and butchers hitchhikers.

The Snob reviews an entry into Fulci's "dead trilogy." This delightful little chiller features a haunted house by a cemetery, a disappearing little girl, an invisible killer on the loose, and the new bane of the Snob's existence: Bob.

Since another Friday the 13th is upon us, it's time again for the Snob to review another Jason Voorhees movie. But he already reviewed Friday the 13th: Part V in 2009, so he decides to go down a different path and review the porno spoof of the fifth film.

It's Ninja time again. Cinema Snob breaks out a clumsy, incoherent and extremely violent film of nut-kicking proportions. Set somewhere in Miami, a rock band and a violent biker gang, both trained in the martial arts, go toe to toe, and foot to nose.

The Snob looks at the first film in Ruggero Deodato's trilogy of jungle cannibal movies. If you thought Cannibal Holocaust was horrifically violent - it still is, but Jungle Holocaust is just as bad.

You know how in some cases if a movie is a big hit, it gets a sequel a few years later that is more often than not a horrible, nonsensical piece of crap that merely capitalizes on the first movie rather than expands on it? Well, as The Cinema Snob discovers, Exorcist II is no exception.

The Snob looks for a movie with "Avengers" in the title, due to some movie with the same name coming out this week, and so he selects The Crippled Avengers: a shitty Kung Fu movie following four men handicapped in outrageous battles. There's also bad dubbing, incoherent action and fight scenes that cost an arm and a leg. Literally.

Taking a break from the norm, the Snob takes a look at one of those comedies in which a cop is partnered up with a dog. The cop in this case is Chuck Norris, and he's out to stop a racist terrorist organization in this family-oriented movie.

Having just gotten out of the hospital, the Cinema Snob treats himself to a Mad Max knock-off that, despite having the title Hard Knuckle, is not a porno spoof. But it is just as boring.

For 299 episodes, the Cinema Snob has shown us the vile, the disgusting, the exploitative, the politically incorrect, the tasteless, the brainless, the perverted, the inaudible, the unbelievable, and Nukie. So, in honor of his 300th episode, he's going to do - more of the same. The movie being reviewed is Heaven's Gate, even though it probably came from the other place.

While taking a hiatus from Heaven's Gate, the Cinema Snob looks at something true to form: a low-budget film about unfunny, wisecracking soldiers who get marooned on a desert island inhabited by dinosaurs and scantily-clad hot chicks.

The Snob resumes his 300th episode spectacular by reviewing more of Heaven's Gate. Unfortunately in addition to this being the really boring part of the movie, the review is constantly mired by budget restraints from his producer and unexpected, obnoxious cameos from fellow reviewers.

At long last, the Cinema Snob gets to the end of Heaven's Gate. And how does this 3-hour epic conclude? With a confusing love triangle, an incomprehensible and overly long battle scene, and an anti-climax. In addition to the review, the Snob receives reviews of his review: mostly scathing, nitpicking, bitching and moaning from online commentators and some people he knows.

With a new Terminator movie hitting theaters this week, the Snob decides to look at--what else? A Terminator porno spoof. Two guys, one man, one machine, are sent back in time to find a young lady, penetrate and impregnate her before the other one does. The orgasm for the future will be reached in the present.

Tonight's heartwarming tale is about a woman named Andrea who is in love with a woman named Emily...and so she hired a guy to rape her, tape it for her own gratification, and murder any guy who tries to take her away, so the two of them can finally be together - whether Emily likes it or not. Still a better love story than Twilight.

The Cinema Snob has always been a hopeless romantic, in that he always runs into romantic movies that are hopeless. In this review, he looks at Ghosts Can't Do It, which may be the Nukie of romantic comedies. But Bo Derek is in it, so it's gotta be a 10 - a negative 10, that is.

Music hath charms to sooth the savage beast. But the music in this horrible movie couldn't sooth the savage Cinema Snob if they played the theme to Caligula. It's a '60s rock and roll yarn about a struggling boy band, a greedy manager, paid groupies, and not only an endorsement, but a cameo from Colonel Sanders himself. This movie is finger-lickin' bad.

The Snob watches another family movie about a dog, but unlike the last one that had hate groups and Chuck Norris, this one has a dog slaughterhouse, gun-play, jailbreaks, kidnappings, bombs and a dog that's smarter and more capable than most humans.

It's low-budget superhero movie time, so the Snob pops in Roger Corman's previously unreleased Fantastic Four movie. It's cheaply made and campy, so that means it sucks, right? Well, surprisingly, the Snob feels the characters were treated better here than any of the big-budget Fantastic Four films.

A road trip movie about smuggling pot across the boarder sounds like a fine, adventurous romp, don't it? So what does the Cinema Snob get when he reviews A Ton of Grass Goes to Pot? He had 'high' hopes, but it's actually a boring, sloppy, incomprehensible, uninteresting pile of shit that makes you want to smoke weed rather than watch a movie about it.

To commemorate the 30th anniversary of A Nightmare on Elm Street's first sequel, the Cinema Snob takes a gander at Part 2: Freddy's Revenge. However, after careful analysis of symbolism and the movie's homo-erotic undertones, the Snob concludes that the protagonist needs to come out of the closet and that Freddy really ain't such a bad guy.

Returning to Italian horror, the Snob reviews The New York Ripper by his old paisano Lucio Fulci. In this movie, New York City is a place with misogyny, hard-boiled detectives, cheap porno movies, and a serial killer who guts innocent women and quacks like a duck. Nothing out of the ordinary in the Big Apple, really.

Musical March (in September) returns as the Cinema Snob looks at the 1983 sequel to Saturday Night Fever: Staying Alive, although the real trick to watching it is staying awake.

Today on the musical menu is a very strange spaghetti western with plenty of meatballs.

Musical March (in September) wouldn't be complete without a Rocky Horror knock-off. How bad could it be? It has all the familiar music cues, more or less, and even Count Dracula himself makes an appearance. It's all very confusing, but thankfully we have a drunk accountant/lawyer/narrator to explain things. In short, the movie bites like the Count and sucks just as hard.

Musical March (in September) boogies into that good night with a review of the 1980 mega musical Xanadu. It's about a struggling album cover artist who meets a beautiful and supremely talented muse, and uses her influence, as well as the sound, moral advice from an old club owner to bring old school and new school music together.

If you didn't get fix of black love from Black Love, fear not. The Cinema Snob has unearthed yet another cheap '70s documentary on the subject of native African tribes' mating rituals...explained and demonstrated in very explicit and graphic detail.

With Halloween only weeks away, it's time for the Snob to return to the franchise of the same name with...Halloween 4. Why not Halloween III? Because some schmuck named 80s Dan who looks nothing like him already reviewed it. So, what does the 4th entry have in store? Michael returns, obviously. The whole thing seems like a carbon copy of the original, with boredom instead of fear, explosions instead of suspense, and characters we can't bring ourselves to care about. The Snob really starts to miss Silver Shamrock at this point.

After accompanying Santa Christ to his hometown of North Jerusalem, where they don't take kindly to fans of the Sega Genesis, the Cinema Snob and the Nostalgia Critic return to the former's house to review The Passion of the Christ. Fear not, Bible-thumpers. These humble critics mean the scripture no harm, but they delight in riffing how the movie itself was put together and just how faithful to the source material it was.

As a Halloween bonus, the Snob decides to go ahead and look at Halloween 5, a rushed, piece of shit sequel that further sent the franchise down hill. Unfortunately, Jamie isn't evil as we expected. It's just business as usual. Michael kills annoying side characters and 1 character we grew to like. But to the Snob's amazement, he finds this movie has a few good points here and there...but no amount of genuinely tense scenes or Dr. Loomis awesomeness will ever make up for the loss of Ben Tramer.

Just because Halloween is over doesn't mean the Cinema Snob can't squeeze in at least one vampire porno spoof. Unlike Gayracula, this one is straight, as in a straight-up clusterfuck of fake news reports, silent movies, and awkward sex. They dare to call this trite a vampire movie? This would make Count Dracula cry.

Jason Lives. No shit. The Cinema Snob takes a year-long break from Michael Myers to focus on another beloved masked slasher movie villain: Jason Voorhees, who was killed off once and for all in Part 4: The Final Chapter, only to be resurrected in a sequel filled with meta humor, slapstick and a tongue-in-cheek attitude that makes the Snob angry. Well, how do you think Jason feels?

The Snob gets into the Christmas spirit by reviewing that timeless holiday classic: Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas. A bit out of the ordinary, sure, but this is one film that's gotta be seen to be believed. And the Snob has seen it plenty of times to guarantee his belief.

Last week, Kirk Cameron saved Christmas. But who's going to save the Cinema Snob from Miss Velma? Who is Miss Velma, you ask? Not the "jinkies" girl from Scooby-Doo, unfortunately, but rather a California evangelist who was given her own bizarre, incomprehensible, boring, shoddy, freaky, and downright sacrilegious Christmas special.

The Cinema Snob's marathon of Christmas wackiness continues with A Madea Christmas. A hysterical, heartwarming holiday comedy about a deceptive love triangle, a bullied child, a town on the verge of bankruptcy, a jubilee being sponsored by a greedy corporation trying to sink the town, racism, sacrilege, betrayal, and every character being a belligerent prick.

If you happened to forget about Grumpy Cat's Christmas special last year, the Cinema Snob is here to remind you as he tries to review Grumpy's Worst Christmas Ever. Only problem is, he's found a movie that's not only self-aware, but intentionally riffs itself.

The Cinema Snob, that devoted, intellectual masochistic critique of all things bizarre, cheap, exploitative and pornographic, has decided to venture to a drug-induced galaxy far, far away and torture himself with the 1978 variety clusterfuck known as The Star Wars Holiday Special. It's a stocking full of pointless cameos, overly-long music videos, bad animation, stock footage, zero story, and zero effort.

Fat Grandma tells Linkara about the time the "Cinema Scrooge" reviewed the fifth and final Silent Night, Deadly Night film. Like the last one, it's an in-name-only sequel, but somehow still has ties to the fourth one. Number 5 features killer toys made by a maniacal toymaker and his mentally disturbed son. Sure, why not.